This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
