i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
