dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
