if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
