her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
