im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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