The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
