Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
