Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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