Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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