Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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