No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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