i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize