i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
