So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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