my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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