Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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