I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
