My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
