i jhust puked up my retainher.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
3 2 1 whiskey
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
