When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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