I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize