Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
