You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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