Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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