it hurts more in the daytime
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
