Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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