I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
