I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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