I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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