There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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