So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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