Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
