So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
