We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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