We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
