I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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