a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
