My liver just broke up with me...
I think my vagina is haunted
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
