Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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