morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
