That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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