Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
