So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
