my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize