I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
