I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
