i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
