A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
