Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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