I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
