need another drink. this is the easiest way
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
