I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize