mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i am craving dick and cupcakes
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
