So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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