I love black thongs
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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