was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
