I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
