the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
