my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
