My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
