Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize