no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I believe in your delicious
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
