I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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