I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
