uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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